Leaving My Career For Motherhood

 

When the world stopped spinning in March of 2020 I was temporarily sent home from my office position I had held for over a decade. Furlowed like millions of other employees in the government's attempt to stem the tide of Coronavirus, I found myself suddenly a stay at home mom- a role I had long wondered if I might prefer over my demanding career. My work abruptly ended in a matter of hours on a Wednesday in March. I threw myself into the role of mom, wife and household CEO. Over the course of the two months the world was on lockdown I learned what spending every day with my toddler daughter would look like. 

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I handed Sloan over to our beloved nanny when she was just twelve weeks old so I could return to work. I rigged myself up to a breast pump three times a day in a windowless room in the plastic surgery practice I managed so I could continue to provide my daughter sustenance despite our days spent separated. And although I cried every day as I drove towards my Beverly Hills office, with the passing of time it got easier to say goodbye. When we were reunited each evening I held her from the moment I returned until we tucked her into her little crib in her pink-walled room. My heart physically ached being separated from this small person I had carried in my body and then spent nearly three months with learning to become a mom. But somehow the pain of returning to work did not eclipse my desire to continue my career and the identity I had cultivated building the practice over the previous decade. I persevered and time passed.

Seasons changed and I watched my daughter grow up through the little screen on my cell phone. My nanny made good on her promise to stay in touch with photos and videos. I watched as my newborn turned into a baby and then a toddler. I got to be a part of her play dates and Gymboree classes, her first visit to the zoo and her first steps; virtually, but it still felt better than not at all. I watched Sloan lurch towards Lesly through video and I cried tears of pride. Time passed quickly and I quieted the momentary doubts that prioritizing my career over motherhood was a mistake.

When the Coronavirus caused life to come screeching to a halt I got to see firsthand what full time motherhood felt like. And you know it? It felt fucking amazing. Spending long afternoons with my little one taking walks in our neighborhood, discovering a caterpillar in the shade of the trees, having picnics in the backyard- all of it felt so good and so right. When I was called to return to work I agonized over what to do. In those few short months I had grown ever more attached to my daughter and the idea of leaving her again felt excruciating. I talked ad nauseum with my husband about exiting my career to raise Sloan. 

In the end I returned to work. And time spun on.

Once I had seen the grass on the other side, I could confirm it was in fact greener. Every time work would get particularly hellish the tug to leave it all behind to focus on motherhood nagged at me.

It took me just over two years after those locked down months to summon the courage and resolve to put my career on hold. I reasoned I may regret leaving my role behind, but I would certainly regret missing my daughter's childhood. I told my boss on a Monday in April that I would be finishing up by the summer. He was shocked, but sympathetic. Newly returned from his own month-long break for the birth of his daughter, he had tasted full-time parenthood himself and knew just how sweet it could be. I got to work finding a replacement for my role and a new family for my nanny.

There were certainly moments of doubt, anxiety and fear in those month between giving my notice and actually walking out the door on a place I had been since I was twenty eight years old. 

Many nights when I arrived home from work and tucked my now four year old daughter into bed we would have some version of this conversation.

"Mama, tomorrow will you take me to school?"

"No baby, Lesly will take you."

"Mama will you pick me up?" 

"No baby, Lesly will."

"Mama I love the weekends most because then when get to be together."

"Me too baby. Me too."

The day I was able to share with her that "Yes, in fact, I would be the one taking her here and there." well, the joy was palpable for us both.

And so now we embark on a new chapter. One where I have just one job instead of juggling two never feeling like I am giving my best to anyone. I realize how fortunate I am for the moment, for this privilege. I make sure to kiss my husband and thank him daily. And I am slowing down to memorize all the little parts of this very special time with my daughter.