Joy

I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Why do some people have it and to others it remains elusive?

Recently I sat across from one of my closest friends as she described the dark cloud of gloom that had crept into her life the last few weeks. There was nothing specific she could pinpoint as the source of her sadness. Just a general feeling of hopelessness, discouragement, and isolation. She's a really bright woman who has pursued many paths in search of happiness over the years. Yoga, meditation, Buddhism, Kabbalah, Landmark, self-help books and seminars, therapy, even a sweat lodge once! Sometimes I accompanied her on these journeys. For me, they were soul-shifters, recalibrating my internal compass towards what is really important and worth attending to in life. Reminding me that the pursuit of money and status has nothing to do with true happiness and that relationships and the moments I share with people are all it's really about. Sometimes I needed a little kick in the butt to recall these things but I've never gotten too far off that path.

But my sweet friend seemed to need more than a Tony Robbin's seminar to lift the veil of grief smothering her that day.

This is what got me thinking about happiness and how to have it.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon with our close friends. A couple who by all accounts have an idyllic life. Beautiful, impressive home, accomplished children attending elite universities, loving marriage, successful career. By all traditional measures of having it all- they've got it. He had attended a seminar recently where an expert on happiness talked about how to be happier in life. His tips were surprisingly simple. Things like making gratitude a habit and staying in touch with loved ones. This published author spoke before a group of executives at a massively successful company about how to be happy. It made me wonder if this desire for happiness is a universal affliction of a material society.

Sometimes when I talk with friends or family about how sweet this life is I feel something unspoken hanging in the air. Maybe just a hint that it's easy for someone like me to feel optimistic about life, because of all I have.

Here it is: My brilliant husband has worked tirelessly as a partner in his law firm to provide a beautiful home for our family. We take amazing trips to exotic places and expose our children to art and culture as much as we can. I have a stimulating career in an industry I adore with coworkers I care about. I married someone who I discover new things I love about every day.

But there is also this: My husband has cancer. The treatment cured him of the disease and robbed us of the chance to have a child together, at least in the traditional way. We share custody of his kids with a person whose hostility towards us blinds her from doing what is best for her children on an almost daily basis. Our careers consume us, hijacking our evenings, sometimes our weekends as days, weeks, months fly by and we wonder quietly where life has gone.

On my best days I give attention to the former, on my worst I focus on the latter. Not surprisingly the pessimistic days leave me feeling hopeless and defeated. On those days we play a game at the dinner table called Three Things. Each of us has to come up with three things about which to be grateful. It's pretty amazing how uplifting a silly little game can be. Giving more attention to your blessings than your burdens lightens the load, even leaves you feeling a little happier.

It may seem trite but it is true, happiness is a choice. And getting yourself into the right frame of mind is how you can take little steps towards living a life of joy. Waking up a bit early so you can come up with a list of things to be grateful for. Giving to someone else. Staying connected with loved ones, even if just by text. Letting go of resentment and grudges. Sharing memories instead of the material. For me, one of the easiest ways to be happy is to be reminded on a daily basis of how brief and fleeting our time here is. It might sound kind of morose but keeping that present actually forces me to live a more conscious life. It reminds me not to take any of this for granted.

Because this life is beautiful. And there is so much to be grateful for. I hope I never lose my optimism. And I hope my friend can find a little of it too.