To my step-children's mom,
My husband was at a lunch recently and the Dalai Lama spoke. He covered many topics over the course of three hours, but the one that resonated most with me was empathy. The Dalai Lama talked about how human beings are innately gentle creatures, that hate does not come naturally to us. It is the wearing away of love over time that silences our ability to have empathy. Empathy erases all those feelings of anger and replaces them with the knowledge that this person needs something.
This talk made me think about you. Our paths crossed more than five years ago and still I do not know you at all. We share in the raising of two beautiful children and yet you are a stranger. Actually that is not accurate to say- we do not share in raising them. You do not want to share. Many times you act as if they are possessions instead of people, refusing to acknowledge that their dad and I are also their parents. Your rage over how your relationship with my husband ended has defined you and dictated how you behave in the days, months and years to follow. And to be honest with you that behavior has been pretty scary sometimes.
You've placed your children squarely in the middle of your war against us, making them the soldiers in your tireless pursuit of hurting us. It worked. You did hurt us in so many ways. But the devastating truth is that you hurt R and K so much more. The very people you purported to love most in the world you stopped thinking about entirely. By using your children as your confidante, making them responsible for your happiness, and creating loyalty conflicts that made it hurt for them to love us- you robbed them of their childhoods.
A long time ago people used to say to us, "Don't worry. They will see the truth. When they get older they will come to understand that they have been used by their mother to hurt their father." I never believed that would happen. At one point they were so deeply enmeshed with you and poisoned against us that I couldn't imagine they would see the truth.
But those people were right. I know now not to underestimate those bright, insightful kids. I have never spoken an unkind word about you in front of them. But they are getting it. They are starting to see how selfish your actions have been... still are actually.
The truth is- that is not what I want. What I still foolishly, optimistically hope for is that you forgive. I hope that you move on from the anger phase of grief, that you find love for yourself and that you give your kids permission to love us so that they stop having to live in hiding of your rage. You'll have a more authentic relationship with them and you'll let them have what's left of their childhood.
I don't want them to grow up with the realization that their mom never knew how to put them first when it came to separating from their dad. Cause that's terrible and that will leave scars that will undoubtedly affect their own relationships as adults. I just want you to find a way to forgive, move on and act civil. We will never be friends but our kids shouldn't be racked with anxiety when we are all in the same room together. This hurts them most of all.
My husband was at a lunch recently and the Dalai Lama spoke. He covered many topics over the course of three hours, but the one that resonated most with me was empathy. The Dalai Lama talked about how human beings are innately gentle creatures, that hate does not come naturally to us. It is the wearing away of love over time that silences our ability to have empathy. Empathy erases all those feelings of anger and replaces them with the knowledge that this person needs something.
This talk made me think about you. Our paths crossed more than five years ago and still I do not know you at all. We share in the raising of two beautiful children and yet you are a stranger. Actually that is not accurate to say- we do not share in raising them. You do not want to share. Many times you act as if they are possessions instead of people, refusing to acknowledge that their dad and I are also their parents. Your rage over how your relationship with my husband ended has defined you and dictated how you behave in the days, months and years to follow. And to be honest with you that behavior has been pretty scary sometimes.
You've placed your children squarely in the middle of your war against us, making them the soldiers in your tireless pursuit of hurting us. It worked. You did hurt us in so many ways. But the devastating truth is that you hurt R and K so much more. The very people you purported to love most in the world you stopped thinking about entirely. By using your children as your confidante, making them responsible for your happiness, and creating loyalty conflicts that made it hurt for them to love us- you robbed them of their childhoods.
A long time ago people used to say to us, "Don't worry. They will see the truth. When they get older they will come to understand that they have been used by their mother to hurt their father." I never believed that would happen. At one point they were so deeply enmeshed with you and poisoned against us that I couldn't imagine they would see the truth.
But those people were right. I know now not to underestimate those bright, insightful kids. I have never spoken an unkind word about you in front of them. But they are getting it. They are starting to see how selfish your actions have been... still are actually.
The truth is- that is not what I want. What I still foolishly, optimistically hope for is that you forgive. I hope that you move on from the anger phase of grief, that you find love for yourself and that you give your kids permission to love us so that they stop having to live in hiding of your rage. You'll have a more authentic relationship with them and you'll let them have what's left of their childhood.
I don't want them to grow up with the realization that their mom never knew how to put them first when it came to separating from their dad. Cause that's terrible and that will leave scars that will undoubtedly affect their own relationships as adults. I just want you to find a way to forgive, move on and act civil. We will never be friends but our kids shouldn't be racked with anxiety when we are all in the same room together. This hurts them most of all.
I'm really working on feeling empathy for you. I can see that you are still suffering. It takes so much energy to harness and hold on to anger the way you do. I want you to be happy so that Riley and Keaton can have the carefree childhood they deserve. I hope you want that too.
Be well,
Meghan
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