The Day That Lightning Struck

High conflict parents. Move away cases. Child custody evaluations. A few years ago I didn't know what these words meant. I hadn't heard them, never used them, didn't even know they existed. At the time, I had no idea that saying them would someday twist up my stomach in knots and make my palms sweat. I didn't know that one day they would dominate my thoughts and occupy my conversations with my parents and my friends. I didn't know this is where the path would lead.

How I got here is a long and complicated story. It is full of shades of gray and opposing perspectives depending on which side of the street you stand on. One day I hope to share the story. Right now I am only ready to share parts.

Last summer I moved in with my boyfriend. A joyous occasion that has triggered a domino effect of painful events we couldn't have predicted, certainly weren't prepared for.

It was a warm day in June when K and I told his kids I would be moving in. We were seated at a table at Sea World, on a week long vacation in San Diego. Vacation time with his kids was always so much better than real life. Vacation time gave us long, relaxing days together to grow closer... as a family- which is what it seemed we were becoming. We had been dating for almost two years at this point and I had been in his children's lives for half that time. I stayed over at their house most nights. I did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and vacation planning for the four of us. My clothes hung in the closet, photos of the four of us lined the stairway. And I hadn't been to my own home in months. When I went there it didn't smell like home anymore, it certainly didn't feel like home.

The decision to move in evolved quite naturally and K and I felt ready to take the next step in our life together. We were cognizant that this change in residence was a decision not to be taken lightly since his children lived with him almost half the time. We also realized that based on their mother's past actions she was not likely to be happy about this. My concern about how she might try to brainwash or otherwise hurt her children tempered my excitement about making my place in their lives more permanent. K and I decided to consult with a therapist on the best way to tell them.

We had decided the three of us, K, the doctor and me, to tell the kids during our summer vacation. Each day of the vacation that passed without the conversation occurring left me with a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I would lay in bed, blinking in the darkness playing out the ways it might go. Most days the kids seemed to really like being with me, maybe even love me. But I also knew they had been instructed not love me, never to consider me family so I really wasn't sure how they would feel knowing I was coming for a sleepover that with any luck would never end.

"I have something Meghan and I want to share with you," K said. His son sat beside me, his daughter diagonal from me. I could see her eyes flicker with fear even with the smile on her face. She was nine then, more little girl than little woman, fiercely loyal to her mom but still close with me despite all she had been told.

"When we come back from vacation Meghan is going to move in with us. She will live with us all the time and she won't have her own apartment anymore," he said. His words were steady and confident. My heart was racing and I hoped they didn't notice that my hands were shaking.

I looked at his daughter, R, and she smiled a big, real smile. "So you're going to bring all your clothes over!?" She sounded sincerely excited.

"Yeah I am. Some of my books and even some of my furniture too," I said. I couldn't mask my happiness and a smile spread across my face too.

"Awesome!" she said.

His son who was five stopped eating his french fries to exclaim, "Cool!"

And just like that the wave of fears washed away.

That night when K and I lay in bed we turned in towards each other and held our hands clasped together near our hearts.

"I think it's going to be okay!" I whispered.

He squeezed my hands. "Yes. It is."

My heart filled up and the warm sensation of love overflowed.

When we returned from vacation life carried on mostly unchanged except that I no longer had an apartment come storage unit. The kids seemed to be doing great. I finally called it "our house" without hesitation. I had never been happier, I know that to be true.

One day not long before school was set to resume K received a letter from his attorney. It was a message from her attorney. And it was notifying K that the mother of his children planned to move far away. That she would be taking the kids with her and that an appropriate custody arrangement needed to be agreed upon.

He called me and in a whisper he said, "She's doing it. She's doing the worst thing she could do. She's going to take them away from me Meghan. She's doing it." He was breathing hard and I could hear the crack in his voice that told me tears were falling.

The pace of my heart quickened and my own eyes filled up. "No K! She can't! She can't be doing this! She can't! Why is she doing this? She can't take them! They are your children too! She can't!" The words spilled out of my mouth so fast. They were coming faster than I could think them. I sat shaking my head feverishly, trying to push away the reality that was racing towards us.

The conversation is blurry to me today. I know I was crying and mad and pleading and questioning how. I know that went on for a few minutes while he wept quietly. I know there was a very long silence when neither of us said anything. My mind was racing trying to put together the puzzle after someone had scattered the pieces about. Then the calm came, the strength returned and I said, "It will be okay. It's going to be okay. We won't let this happen. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen." Over and over again I murmured these reassurances into my phone, hoping some of my faith was transferred to him. When we said goodbye his voice was empty. He was so far away.

That day in August was the beginning of a long and painful battle over these perfect little people, stuck between two parents who loved each other enough to create them yet despise each other so much that the fighting, at times, seems like it may never end.