Valentine's Day
A couple of years ago had you told me I would be semi-cohabiting with a man nineteen years my senior and a couple of cute as can be kiddies I would have told you to put down the pipe. Yet here I find myself on the brink of being thirty with a ready made family I never saw coming. Since I never saw myself playing mommy to someone else's spawn it's no real surprise that I am a better big sister than a pseudo s-mom. I always defer to daddy on issues of eating cupcakes for breakfast or staying up late to watch shitty kiddie flicks. My role is best spent crawling on the ground building Legos with Keaton or playing secretary for Veterinarian Riley in her room cum animal clinic. Despite my late arrival to this trio, they have mostly made me feel welcome. Valentine's Day we bumped along.
Kelly and I had a very romantic morning and afternoon alone. We took a long drive down by the ocean in the convertible and gorged ourselves on a delicious breakfast. We exchanged cards, the words written inside more special than any gift could ever be. We held hands all day, walked around in a love induced haze and had an all together perfect day. Kelly picked the kids up at six and I started dinner. Kelly had gotten little Valentine's presents for them and I bought these delicious mini cupcakes as a surprise. They came storming into the house, a tornado of backpacks and sweaters and toys.
"Look what Keaton got me for Valentine's day!" Kelly said, his voice beamed with pride. "Show Meghan what you got me!" he told Keaton.
"I will. I will. Hold on!" he said as he settled himself at the table, adjusting his backpack.
"I got Daddy this cookie!" Riley said proudly holding up the heart shaped cookie frosted in pink and red.
"Oh how sweet! I love it!" I said and walked away from the stove and over to the table to take a better look at the sugary gift.
"How about you? What did you get?" I asked. I was standing close to Keaton as he kneeled on the stool at the table.
"First I made this for daddy in school," he handed me a little heart shaped ornament made out of kidney beans and glued together with glittery somethingorother. I held it in my hands and turned it over admiring it.
"Wow. This is really beautiful-" I said.
"It's for daddy. It's not for you, it's for daddy," he said.
"Yeah, I really love it. I bet daddy loves it too." I said.
"I also made him this card. See inside it says my name, Keaton," he showed me the inside. "That is for daddy too. That isn't for you. It's for daddy."
I felt my heart hurt a little and the sting of embarrassment flushed my face.
"Yeah, you made that clear," I said as I walked away, returning to the dinner on the stove.
"Keaton, be nice," Kelly said calmly and the trio continued opening the presents Kelly had given them.
I internally scolded myself for being so sensitive. He probably didn't mean anything by it, I tried to console my hurt ego. Yet I couldn't help wonder if his mother who hated me had anything to do with his insistence that the gift go solely to Kelly. I loathed that my mind even went there but I also couldn't imagine why this little boy who usually loved me was so bent on making sure I knew the gesture wasn't for me.
Kelly came up behind me as I stood at the stove stirring and trying to recover from the bruise to my ego. He wrapped his arms around my waist and whispered in my ear, "He didn't mean anything by it." His breath was warm and his words helped soothe the hurt spot.
"I know... I know..." I started, then stopped. There was nothing more to say.
A few moments later Kelly took the kids downstairs to get their pajamas on. I could hear the murmur of whispers but I didn't know what was being said. I focused on boiling and baking and simmering, distracting myself from my hurt feelings.
We sat down to dinner in our usual spots, the girls on one side, the boys on the other. I served up dinner like any other night and we began eating. We talked about the weekend and what they had done. When the conversation silenced and all I could hear was the clinking of fork prongs on plate Riley said, "Did it hurt your feelings when Keaton said that present was just for daddy?"
I put down my fork and looked at her. I considered for a moment pretending it hadn't and brushing the whole thing off. But that wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to be honest. Because even though decades separate us, I still want to approach my relationship to these little people with truth. I looked into her eyes, so dark and deep and warm and said, "Yeah. It did hurt my feelings a little bit. Just because he said it so many times."
I looked at Keaton and something flashed in his eyes that I will never be able to put into words. It was maybe a little embarrassment, but it was more than that too. He had the face of someone much older than four and then he said, "Well you know what?"
He was quiet while he waited for me to respond and my breath caught in my throat, anxious for what would come next. I squeaked, "What?"
"Actually I made that heart for daddy and I made that card for you and daddy," he said explaining it all away.
The hurt feeling lifted off my chest and a smile spread across my face. "Thank you Keaton. It's okay if you do a present just for daddy. It just hurt my feelings that you said it so many times. But it's okay now. Thank you for saying that," I said.
He smiled and we went back to eating. A little while later Riley brought me a card she just made. Her capacity for compassion makes me love and admire her more every day.
While I cleaned the kitchen Keaton and I made up for real. He sat at my feet on hands and knees and declared that he was a kitty named Meow Meow and I found him outside and brought him into the house and now he was mine.
"But Meow Meow are you sure you want to live with me and be a part of my family now?" I asked. A smile spread across his face and he said, "meow meow" while nodding his head yes.
And then he let me pick him up and cradle him in my arms, patting his head and cooing that I loved my Meow Meow. That's all the Valentine's gift I needed.
Kelly and I had a very romantic morning and afternoon alone. We took a long drive down by the ocean in the convertible and gorged ourselves on a delicious breakfast. We exchanged cards, the words written inside more special than any gift could ever be. We held hands all day, walked around in a love induced haze and had an all together perfect day. Kelly picked the kids up at six and I started dinner. Kelly had gotten little Valentine's presents for them and I bought these delicious mini cupcakes as a surprise. They came storming into the house, a tornado of backpacks and sweaters and toys.
"Look what Keaton got me for Valentine's day!" Kelly said, his voice beamed with pride. "Show Meghan what you got me!" he told Keaton.
"I will. I will. Hold on!" he said as he settled himself at the table, adjusting his backpack.
"I got Daddy this cookie!" Riley said proudly holding up the heart shaped cookie frosted in pink and red.
"Oh how sweet! I love it!" I said and walked away from the stove and over to the table to take a better look at the sugary gift.
"How about you? What did you get?" I asked. I was standing close to Keaton as he kneeled on the stool at the table.
"First I made this for daddy in school," he handed me a little heart shaped ornament made out of kidney beans and glued together with glittery somethingorother. I held it in my hands and turned it over admiring it.
"Wow. This is really beautiful-" I said.
"It's for daddy. It's not for you, it's for daddy," he said.
"Yeah, I really love it. I bet daddy loves it too." I said.
"I also made him this card. See inside it says my name, Keaton," he showed me the inside. "That is for daddy too. That isn't for you. It's for daddy."
I felt my heart hurt a little and the sting of embarrassment flushed my face.
"Yeah, you made that clear," I said as I walked away, returning to the dinner on the stove.
"Keaton, be nice," Kelly said calmly and the trio continued opening the presents Kelly had given them.
I internally scolded myself for being so sensitive. He probably didn't mean anything by it, I tried to console my hurt ego. Yet I couldn't help wonder if his mother who hated me had anything to do with his insistence that the gift go solely to Kelly. I loathed that my mind even went there but I also couldn't imagine why this little boy who usually loved me was so bent on making sure I knew the gesture wasn't for me.
Kelly came up behind me as I stood at the stove stirring and trying to recover from the bruise to my ego. He wrapped his arms around my waist and whispered in my ear, "He didn't mean anything by it." His breath was warm and his words helped soothe the hurt spot.
"I know... I know..." I started, then stopped. There was nothing more to say.
A few moments later Kelly took the kids downstairs to get their pajamas on. I could hear the murmur of whispers but I didn't know what was being said. I focused on boiling and baking and simmering, distracting myself from my hurt feelings.
We sat down to dinner in our usual spots, the girls on one side, the boys on the other. I served up dinner like any other night and we began eating. We talked about the weekend and what they had done. When the conversation silenced and all I could hear was the clinking of fork prongs on plate Riley said, "Did it hurt your feelings when Keaton said that present was just for daddy?"
I put down my fork and looked at her. I considered for a moment pretending it hadn't and brushing the whole thing off. But that wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to be honest. Because even though decades separate us, I still want to approach my relationship to these little people with truth. I looked into her eyes, so dark and deep and warm and said, "Yeah. It did hurt my feelings a little bit. Just because he said it so many times."
I looked at Keaton and something flashed in his eyes that I will never be able to put into words. It was maybe a little embarrassment, but it was more than that too. He had the face of someone much older than four and then he said, "Well you know what?"
He was quiet while he waited for me to respond and my breath caught in my throat, anxious for what would come next. I squeaked, "What?"
"Actually I made that heart for daddy and I made that card for you and daddy," he said explaining it all away.
The hurt feeling lifted off my chest and a smile spread across my face. "Thank you Keaton. It's okay if you do a present just for daddy. It just hurt my feelings that you said it so many times. But it's okay now. Thank you for saying that," I said.
He smiled and we went back to eating. A little while later Riley brought me a card she just made. Her capacity for compassion makes me love and admire her more every day.
While I cleaned the kitchen Keaton and I made up for real. He sat at my feet on hands and knees and declared that he was a kitty named Meow Meow and I found him outside and brought him into the house and now he was mine.
"But Meow Meow are you sure you want to live with me and be a part of my family now?" I asked. A smile spread across his face and he said, "meow meow" while nodding his head yes.
And then he let me pick him up and cradle him in my arms, patting his head and cooing that I loved my Meow Meow. That's all the Valentine's gift I needed.
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