The Disappearing Marriage
Sam Margulies is a PhD and a Divorce Mediator and he writes this blog about his observations of relationships and how they fall apart. He wrote The Divorce Piggy Bank that I blogged about. Anyway, I came across his latest article about how so many marriages unravel. Weren't all of the thousands of couples he's worked with happy and optimistic about their future together that they committed their life to each other?
"Most of these divorcing couples got so busy with the details of their hurly-burly lives that they forgot why they got together in the first place. The "we" got lost. Who has time for courting or fooling around or taking a walk or doing nothing when every hour and minute has been preempted by the unlimited details of the modern, upscale, child-centered suburban quest for a better lifestyle in a bigger house in a better neighborhood? You have so much to do that it's hard to pay attention to your spouse, to be sensitive when he or she needs some downtime, some solitude with the soulmate, a little smooching or TLC. But forget to pay attention often enough and forgetting begets forgotten. "When was the last time you told me I was pretty?" When was the last time you paid attention to me instead of the kids?" "How can I have sex with you if you don't court me?" "How can I have sex with you if you're never interested or always too tired?" Marriages don't die with a bang. They quietly tip-toe away and are gone before you know they left. Marriages die slowly under the gradually rising wave of distracted indifference. Finally, one of them pops to the surface, looks around and decides that this just doesn't work, that I have fallen out of love and this is not enough."
I think there's a lot of truth to what he suspects. It gave me something to think about. I want something better than most. Maybe you do too.
You can read the whole article here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-grownups/200912/marriage-and-paying-attention
"Most of these divorcing couples got so busy with the details of their hurly-burly lives that they forgot why they got together in the first place. The "we" got lost. Who has time for courting or fooling around or taking a walk or doing nothing when every hour and minute has been preempted by the unlimited details of the modern, upscale, child-centered suburban quest for a better lifestyle in a bigger house in a better neighborhood? You have so much to do that it's hard to pay attention to your spouse, to be sensitive when he or she needs some downtime, some solitude with the soulmate, a little smooching or TLC. But forget to pay attention often enough and forgetting begets forgotten. "When was the last time you told me I was pretty?" When was the last time you paid attention to me instead of the kids?" "How can I have sex with you if you don't court me?" "How can I have sex with you if you're never interested or always too tired?" Marriages don't die with a bang. They quietly tip-toe away and are gone before you know they left. Marriages die slowly under the gradually rising wave of distracted indifference. Finally, one of them pops to the surface, looks around and decides that this just doesn't work, that I have fallen out of love and this is not enough."
I think there's a lot of truth to what he suspects. It gave me something to think about. I want something better than most. Maybe you do too.
You can read the whole article here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-grownups/200912/marriage-and-paying-attention
You always find the best articles Meghan. I, like you want something better than most. Sometimes I think one of the best things a relationship can have is the knowledge that it may not always be there. At times I was convinced that nothing would tear us apart, but the reality of that can turn into a relationship that is "too comfortable" and that can sometimes turn into taking the other person and the relationship for granted. Of course you want to feel secure, that's the best, but I think sometimes we all need a good kick in the pants. Again--love these articles. Thank you!
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